March 17, 2005

Complaint Letter Generator

Cute web-app -- want to write a complaint letter but too busy to actually sit down and crank out the requisite couple of paragraphs? Click on over to Scott Pakin's automatic complaint-letter generator, enter a couple pieces of relevant data, hit the Complain button and bingo. A swift copy and paste and you are good to go. Here is a short one I (it) wrote to a comment spammer:
P@ker--onlyne's ruses are so rife with ignorance, erroneous information, and poorly conceived notions of misoneism that I hardly know where to begin. Even disregarding obvious errors like its insistence that we should abandon the institutionalized and revered concept of democracy, the fallacies of its claims are glaring to those of us who have educated ourselves about the implications of careerism. Let's start with my claim that this makes me fearful that I might someday find myself in the crosshairs of its naive, passive-aggressive doctrines. (To be honest, though, it wouldn't be the first time.) P@ker--onlyne wants to get me thrown in jail. It can't cite a specific statute that I've violated, but it does believe that there must be some statute. This tells me that p@ker--onlyne can get away with lies (e.g., that the laws of nature don't apply to it), because the average person cannot imagine anyone lying so brazenly. Not one person in a hundred will actually check out the facts for himself and discover that p@ker--onlyne is lying. P@ker--onlyne can't relate what it sees to any broader principle. That shouldn't surprise you when you consider that its reason is not true reason. It does not seek the truth, but only addlepated answers, foul resolutions to conflicts.

While there are many judgmental vulgarians, p@ker--onlyne is the most depraved of the lot. P@ker--onlyne is offended by anything that might suggest that its use of mudslinging lotharios is pathetic. Equally important is the fact that it wants to goad unpatriotic hedonists into hurling epithets at its enemies. Personally, I don't want that. Personally, I prefer freedom. If you also prefer freedom, then you should be working with me to hammer out solutions on the anvil of discourse. If p@ker--onlyne can give us all a succinct and infallible argument proving that anyone who resists it deserves to be crushed, I will personally deliver its Nobel Prize for Annoying Rhetoric. In the meantime, of all of p@ker--onlyne's exaggerations and incorrect comparisons, one in particular stands out: "P@ker--onlyne can absorb mana by devouring its nemeses' brains." I don't know where it came up with this, but its statement is dead wrong. Unless hanging out with quasi-unconscionable prophets of vigilantism is a wonderful, culturally enriching experience, it is simply wrong to conclude that p@ker--onlyne's beliefs (as I would certainly not call them logically reasoned arguments) are all sweetness and light. If the only way to chastise p@ker--onlyne for not doing any research before spouting off is for me to become the target of prejudice, ridicule, discrimination, and physical violence, then so be it. It would certainly be worth it, because we can divide its stratagems into three categories: flagitious, dishonest, and brusque. Several things p@ker--onlyne has said have brought me to the boiling point. The statement of its that made the strongest impression on me, however, was something to the effect of how the sun rises just for it. This letter has gone on far too long, in my opinion, and probably yours as well. So let me end it by saying merely that this is a very real and serious concern.
Now that is invective worthy of a master! Heh... Posted by DaveH at March 17, 2005 8:46 PM